Note : Helloooo! This is Jolene Lai and it is my first guest blogging post at THE jasonmumbles.com. I think my contract with Ah Jason Kor should be about half a year… or 4 more posts or something. Aiyah, until he terminates my contract lah. Hahaha.

You may come to my blog to look see look see if you wish. :)

-End-

Sometimes when I sit down, my mind drifts away to the topic of death. I look at myself now, four limbs, one head, working lungs and a beating heart. All these will definitely stop one day and exactly when would that be?

Trying to imagine an end to myself is like trying to picture what if the universe does not exist? What colour would emptiness be? Black? White?

You see, you just can’t picture it.

This topic has been done to death and it was first popularized by a Singapore blogger back in 2005. It was quite a hit with the blogosphere back then and I’ve been meaning to do a post on this myself. It seems interesting to come up with various fantasies to amuse myself.

Groom Me

In the event of my death, I wish for a good make up artist. Dress me up in the finest gown and sprinkle glitter on my bare skin.

I must have glitter even on my dying day.

When I say gown, I mean a nice tube dress. Crimpled-crinkly satin, if you please. Purplish white or purplish blue. The colours made infamous by Disney princesses.

Do remember to blow dry my hair so that it won’t look so messy when you lay me down in my glass coffin. Oh did I not mention anything about the coffin? I want it to be made of glass. :) Not those cheap aquarium plastic ones, but the ‘Once broken, considered sold” type of glass, okay? Can remember or not? Write down lah!

Adorn my ears with the finest amethyst chandelier earrings. I’ve always loved amethyst earrings but they are always out of my budget. I want the pale purple ones, not the royal purple type.

Leave my neck as bare as the day I was born. I do not sleep with necklaces. I will definitely not sleep for eternity with necklaces strangling my neck.

My lips must be the sweetest of pink and my cheeks a shy coral-orange glow. My eyes a myriad of pastel colours enhanced by my trademark glitter. I want my eye make up to look like the setting sun. A mix of blue, pink, purple and a hint of orange for that slight hope of a new life.

I was never the definition of perfect beauty in my life so please try your best to make me look beautiful during my final days on Earth.

Sprinkle pink, red, white and champagne rose petals over me before they seal the glass casing. I hope the preservatives from the embalming can help the petals to stay alive for a few more days.

Calm Me

Please get rid of those namo oli tou fu type of chants. I don’t want my love ones to be mourning me and having the namo oli tou fu song stuck in their heads. I know that song means well, but the last time I heard it for a week(two funerals, both grandparents within a week.), whenever I was alone, bathing or in the car, I would hear the song out of no where. It is that freaky.

Play a constant string of love songs from the late 90s-early 2000s because those were the best. Here are a few songs to start you off when you get working on my playlist.

1. Goodbye - Spice Girls
2. I’ll Be There For You - BSB
3. If Life Is So Short - The Moffatts
4. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You - N-Sync
5. Flying Without Wings - Westlife
6. I do - 98 degrees.

Yes, yes. If you don’t already know, I was a boyband freak. I was a young girl during that era. Just your average teeny bopper from the late 90s. :)

Bring on the corsages should there be any. Line them in a nice walk way where friends and family can walk towards my coffin to pay their last respects.

Every two hours, I want a choir group to sing hymns. As I’m a buddhist, I want them to sing other songs, nothing religion-ey.

At my wake, I want balloons all over the place. :) Helium balloons. I can never get enough of it. Everybody who comes for my funeral will get a balloon each. The colours of the balloons must match the colour of my eye make up. :)

Humour Me

Everybody who pay their last respects to me must camwhore with me one last time. No tears. A bright smile would be nice.

My old school friends must teach those at my funeral the Jolene Boob song.

Let’s sing together now: (to the tune of For He Is A Jolly Good Fellow)

My boobs are banging against the table,
my boobs are banging against the table,
My boobs are banging against the table~~~
I hope they won’t get flat.

I hope they won’t get flat, I hope they won’t get flat,
My boobs are banging against the table (x2),
My boobs are banging against the table~~~~
I hope they won’t get flat.

I’m getting boob implants,
I’m getting boob implants,
I’m getting boob implants~~~~
I hope they will get big.

I hope they will get big! I hope they will get big!
I’m getting boob implants(x2)
I’m getting boob implants~~~~
I hope they will get big.

My boobs are getting bigger,
My boobs are getting bigger,
My boobs are getting bigger~~~
I hope they won’t just burst.

I hope they won’t just burst! I hope they won’t just burst!
My boobs are getting bigger(x2)
My boobs are getting bigger~~~~
I hope they won’t just burst.

Don’t bring that needle near,
Don’t bring that needle near,
Don’t bring that needle near~~~
OH SHIT you burst my tits.

*bows* thank you, thank you.

Dispose Me

I’ve heard of that Star Trek actor who died and had his remains blasted into space.

So when they strap my coffin onto the rocket-thingamajig(since there is no name for it yet, I shall create a temporary one), everybody should stand around the rocket-thingamajig and hold a balloon in their hand.

When the rocket-thingamajig blasts me and my glass coffin off to space, release your balloons.

Then turn your attention to the big screen television behind you.

There will be a video camera launched at the exact same time on a smaller rocket-thingamajig. You will be witnessing my journey out to space.

Please don’t be too surprised when the coffin and I explode into smithereens. Enjoy the pretty glittering bits that will float in space peacefully for all eternity.

:)

Now THAT’S a cool funeral.

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